I don’t know what you want me to say? Do you want me to admit that I want more from you than just your physicality. That characteristics of your being stimulate me much more than I ever anticipated? That you remind me of my first love but a more refined version of said love? That you frustrate me in ways I never thought possible and that intrigues me greatly? Or how about the fact that I am in an infatuated love affair with your mind, the enigma that is the way you think creates a longing inside of me that causes my heart to palpitate. I don’t know what you want me to say.
I think I’m getting an unhealthy obsession with the way I look. I know most people go through the same and its expected as human beings for us to be constantly critical of our bodies. However at what point is it a crisis when do lines get crossed from the expected insecurities to an actual obsession with the way one looks. I’m not sure which stage I am at. I mean I find my self constantly dwelling on the faults that I find on my body. I actually have considered every means possible to correct them and various internet searches later I find myself in a pit of depression eating away my sorrows then progressing to a state of self loathing which just carry’s on in this viscous cycle. Most people say one should just go to the gym and get active to work off the problem areas. Its great for people who are able to do that. I personally feel as though it would be an admittance of my insecurities almost like wearing them on my forehead and that frightens the hell out of me. Also I honestly feel like I’d be the fat kid in gym class getting pointed at and laughed at, worst of all the one who is whispered about. I don’t find myself attractive at all, so much so that any advances from males feels like some sort of sick joke. Like I’m the subject of some sort of elaborate prank by the whole male species. Its very frustrating because I am a confident person and I very rarely let others if ever see the humongous closet of self doubt and insecurities. I find myself self dwelling on every negative thing that’s ever been said about the way I look a passing comment or maybe harmful joke starts to eat at me I start to over analyze everything and it just breaks me down. I had a conversation with a male friend which pointed out some big character defects which are a product of said insecurities and lack of self worth. One being my settling for males who aren’t necessarily good for me and putting up with pointless and sometimes abusive relationships. I never let anyone question my intelligence or try use that as a means to bring me down, I wish I could project this confidence in my personality and translate it to a confidence in the way I look.
A shard of light refracted so elegantly, causing a rainbow to engulf my senses the intensity of the subtle separation of the colours that shone; its almost angelic I thought, no certainly angelic for the image that overcomes me is undoubtedly unearthly and what if it is? Well alas heaven surely be a place on earth? Oh the irony, not ironic but one must certainly appreciate the irony. For the thought of finding beauty in the place my body has come to lay is surely a symbolic double entendre. Oh how the mind creates the most beautiful of art through the simplest things. The lights begins to flicker. My Damascus experience is ending the allure that surrounds me slowly fades to a painful reality. The colours of rainbow dissolve into a desolate darkness. A could chill over whelms me, the taste of iron in my mouth is inviting but a displeasing confirmation of the bleeding. My shining light is but simple shard of glass before me, my body weak and my life force seeps away painting the grey pavement a scarlet letter.
It’s been a while since I last made any sort of post on here. Anyone who follows this would know how unusual it is for me to have had such a dry spell lately. I’d love to say the lack of ranting is due to the improving state of my life and the world generally but sadly this is not the case. The real reason behind my lack of ratings is based on pure laziness and the fact that Ive spent much of last week and this week wallowing in my monthly dose of self pity; neuroticism, and general bitchiness. I just realised that I’m currently ranting about my lack of ranting; new low for me?
Anyway the moral of this is that I shall be back to my usual state of dismay, annoyance and opinionatedness very soon…